When is comfort not good and when is it an indication that I’m not learning to be content with where I’m at and my life? Right now, I find myself getting frustrated so much because I really don’t like where I’m at in terms of how I’m spendng my time. I go to work, I go home, I help set up the table for dinner, maybe wash the dishes, read something, prepare Sunday school, nothing especial. At work, I constantly think about what else I can do for fun after work or in the weekend. I’m constantly trying to figure out ways to make my life more interesting and experience more new things other than just going home. The reason I moved back home is to help clean up the house, but now I’m beginning to feel like there really isn’t anything else to help out. If there is something, it’s something small like we need to find the rod for the curtains or getting a shelf for the bathroom. I know saving money is an important and definitely allows me to afford a place of my own sooner, but sometimes I question is it really worth it to live a life where I feel like I’m not doing anything when I can afford to live outside even though it will have some inconveniences. It’s almost to the point where I don’t care about having a comfortable life because I know that’s not what life is all about. I want to have the experience and the chance to grow and take care of myself, and that usually involve me being in a situation where it’s not easy (or maybe that’s right now?). And moving out will also motivate me to meet other people and find a community of people where I can connect with, because I don’t have that here at home, not even with my parents. It’s weird how I didn’t have to adapt to living in South SF when I moved there but after I moved back home, I’m a lot more tired and I’m still in the process of adjusting to living back at home. At least, I have figured out some things I can do in Lafayette/Walnut Creek such as going to a local coffee place in the morning before heading over to BART for devo, and Wed night is my chill night since parents are at Bible Study, so I can hang out a bit in downtown Walnut Creek.

And about buying a place, I don’t even know if I’m ready to buy one. I’m saying that probably because I haven’t seen any places I want to buy (then again, I’ve only just started looking). My buget is small so that’s not gonna give me much options. And when I want to buy a place, I also want the location to be the place where I want to be for a couple years. So it’s a big decisions and a big commitment. I don’t even know if I want to live in the peninsula that long. But if I rent, I can just live there for a year or two. And if I don’t like it and I REALLY need to save money, then I’ll just move back home after the lease is over.

Sometimes I wonder is it just my attitude that needs to change, or do I need to learn take my feelings and dreams into account. I’ve never think about what I want, but always what I should do. There are priorities, and so far putting them first has given me joy, but living home so far hasn’t.

And I still feel like I’m all over the place…or don’t belong anywhere at all.